My cousin Yuri

And the Oscar goes to:

Mickey Rourke playing a self -destructive tortured superstar of his sport, Alex Rodriguez, in the picture of the year, "my cousin Yuri"

Mr. Rourke:

"First, I want to tell everyone how difficult it was to bulk up for this role. I want to thank my trainer , Jose Canseco, for making it perfectly clear to me that you cannot succeed in anything in life without making the necessary sacrifices. I also appreciate the special talents of Ralph Macchio who brought the role of cousin Yuri to life in a way few could ever imagine. Madonna, in the role of Madonna, nailed every single nuance."

"In this life we have very few opportunities to showcase our talents at their highest. In the news conference to provide his mea culpa, Alex Rodriguez gave a once in a lifetime performance. It was that sense of you can't believe a thing I am now saying to you that I tried to capture in this role. Like Alex, I have spent most of my life making curious decisions and putting my foot directly into my mouth. I am so grateful for the opportunity that has been afforded to me to show the world, this late in my career, that one can learn and mature. I know that Alex is listening to me and nodding his head. I just can't tell if he is nodding side to side or up and down. Or maybe he is just nodding out."

"I want to thank the Academy and all its members. Last, a special shout out to my dogs. I love you and will be home soon. Go to bed"