Jersey Sure

Like the President, I have never watched "Jersey Shore"(or at least neither of us would admit to it). I wouldn't know any of its cast of characters if I tripped over one of them while he or she was passed out on the floor after a night, and/or day, of self excess. However, I have story line suggestions, that I believe would raise the level of discourse and provide clearly redeeming social value to this show.

1) Foreign Affairs - The cast goes on a road trip to scout out locations for season 4. Happy, Peppy and Bursting with Love all want to leave the US. The only dissenter is Dopey who thinks this would be a violation of the terms of his probation.

2) The Environment - Dumpy, Squeezy and Muffin lead a group discussion on the merits of cap and trade. Dumpy says that salary caps are fluid, while Squeezy says the July 31 interleague trade deadline serves no rational purpose.

3) Racism - Is Obama half white, or half black? Snooki gives us the definitive answer.

4) Fiscal Responsibility - Each cast member demands $100,000 per episode. The network talks of replacing everyone (but Snooki). They settle on $75 per show, and a state of art tanning bed.

5)Immigration - After days of tanning abuse, 3 cast members go outside and are immediately stopped by 2 policemen. Searched, questioned, and asked for identification, one nervous cast member tries to flee. Arrested and in jail for 12 hours, he comes back and convinces everyone to swear off the tanning bed.

6) Drugs - Doc says his days of roid usage are over. The pimples on his back are more than he can take.

7) War - Knuckles gets into a fight at a bar and falls down hard, a few times. After leaving the hospital, he announces that his lawyer advises him that he will soon own the bar. Everyone breaks into spontaneous applause. He smiles, the missing space where his teeth used to be, in prominent display.

8) Democracy - Queasy says his mother is coming to visit. Queasy is escorted off the island.

9) Global Warming - To compensate for the lack of a tanning bed, Wrinkles spends 74 consecutive days lying in the sun. He begins to peel, leading to widespread panic that this condition could be catching.

10) The Mid-Term Election - Young and Restless finds out that she is 10 weeks pregnant. It is decided that everyone will have an equal say in what comes next. This is the last episode for the season, and we are left just as Snooki is about to cast the deciding vote.

Stay tuned.