The Republican Primary - The Musical- Act One

Act One Scene One

The cast is all on stage, when suddenly  Rick Santorum begins to sing, " Maybe I'm Wrong but At Least I'm Far Right".  One by one, the candidates join in, each one taking a position further and further to the right side of the stage. Finally, they each move so far right that they disappear from sight, leaving only Santorum looking around triumphant.

Act One Scene Two
With a background of ever shifting sites of Michigan, Massachusetts, California. Utah and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney breaks out into the beautiful ballad , "It's Great to Be Home Again"  with the classic refrain, "You can have many houses but only one place you call home". Unfortunately, Romney realizes too late that he doesn't actually own a home in Michigan, and so has to take reference to this state out of the song.  At the end, a clearly emotional Romney leaves the stage in a car with a dog tied to the roof.

Act One Scene Three
Herman Cain sits outside an accountant's office munching on a slice of pizza.  In a powerful baritone , he delivers the stirring, "Nine is Just a Number".  It takes the classic children's joke with the punch line "Seven Ate Nine" as the centerpiece  for an accidental theory of economic importance. At the conclusion of his song, Cain enters the accountant's office, pizza in hand, humming his anthem.

Act One Scene Four

Newt Gingrich holds a wig in his hand that is blonde and inflexible. He caresses it sweetly and sings a tender love song to it called "Three times a lady".  He laments over the wrong choices he has made from the attack on Clinton and Monica to the 2 former wives he has left behind.  He praises God and Callista and promises to be faithful to both.  The song ends with Gingrich on his knees in prayer and giving a gentle kiss to the wig.

Act One Scene Five
We see the  Alamo before us as Rick Perry enters  in cowboy boots and an oversized cowboy hat, singing "If at first you don't secede".  It is a country song and its refrain is about the 3 reasons the country should be divided, only 2 if which he can now recall. A discouraged Perry finishes his tune realizing his hat is falling off his head.

Act One Scene Six
 Donald Trump sits behind a huge desk.  A microphone descends from above. Trump grabs it, gets up on the desk and begins to belt out " Not Born in the USA".  It is a scathing indictment of Obama in which Trump says that facts must not get in the way of the truth. He finishes his tune, sits back down behind the desk and very calmly says "Mr. President , you're fired."

Act One Scene Seven
Michele Bachmann  stands center stage and from the wings several questions are posed. Each answer ends with " and I will make him a one termer". She then sings " One Termer" a tale of  in which every question she has ever been asked elliciits the same response. As the lights dim on Ms. Bachmann, she asks. "Any more questions?"

Act One Scene Eight
There is an old man doing one armed push ups on the stage. Suddenly Ron Paul stands up and begins to sing "No government is the best government of all". It is a vision of a country that is free from oversight, and concludes with the line "If I am elected, you will be left on your own".  Suddenly, the lights on the stage brighten to show all the candidates now back where they began.

Act One Scene Nine
The ensemble sings "I'm proud to be a Republican", a stirring anthem to everything good and powerful in a party that is catering to the rich and powerful. It ends with all the candidates holding out their hands chanting the refrain, "super PACs are good".