I Am Going to Be on Television

I am going to be on the Charlie Rose show this Thursday.

Ok, let me rephrase that slightly. I am not going to be on the Charlie Rose show this Thursday, but I have a plan to market myself there and then.

You see, my cousin is a very smart man. Like in EF Hutton kind of smart. His chosen field is unimportant to this discussion, and even the reason he is scheduled to appear on television this week is of no consequence. What is critical is how this can help me and my dismal readership numbers.

My cousin appears void of ego, which is itself a very egotistical thing I think. He never promotes himself in conversation,  mentioning only as an afterthought the latest book he has written or edited, the speaking engagements around the globe or the elevated positions within his field that have been offered to him. So, since self aggrandizement is not his dominant gene, there is a large chasm of opportunity that needs to be filled. Like on the Charlie Rose show.

And thus, I suggested to him, after he casually mentioned the upcoming event,  that I had a perfect idea for his choice of attire. "You should wear a tooearlytocall.com t-shirt".  I thought, if he did so, there might be a small subliminal message to the audience.

When I mentioned this concept to my children, I was shocked to learn they were not appalled by the thought of turning my cousin into a billboard. In fact, they suggested to me that I should consider asking all the panel members to wear similar shirts hawking this mysterious site. No mention or discussion about the specifics should occur, thus enhancing the intrigue (kind of a "Ing" thing). I would be sure to go viral by the first commercial.

I am not sure how best to revive this idea with my cousin. "I just wanted to make sure you were still on for Thursday. I am so excited for you. And, oh by the way, what size t-shirt do you normally wear." Or maybe something like, " Don't you agree that Charlie Rose is a little too intellectual and boring? It needs a common man touch, and I think I have the answer."

The last time I was in joint enterprise with my cousin we dropped my aunt's air conditioning unit out the window, destroying the heating system below in the process. This idea couldn't be as bad as that one.