Planning My Surprise Party

 Hello, is this the police? I would like to report something of great value missing. It is the plans for my surprise party.

I am very afraid you will never find it. It seems that my upcoming birthday, though of incalculable importance to me, is of lesser moment to those I hold near and nearly dear (the nearly would be gladly removed should they find the energy to focus on my most critical decade turning date).

If you are looking for clues, you can go back in time ten years, when I had to gently coax (ok, beg) my bride to make plans for my last surprise party. Yes, I know this might be a bit unorthodox but if the mountain won't come to Muhammad...

Look, I get it. The world has been through enough in the last two years that it may not have the interest or desire to fete me. All the more reason that this surprise would be so exceptional.

During the pandemic one of my friends had a virtual 70th, or something approximating that. He had desserts delivered to each of those who assembled online (I would never stoop to such an obvious bribe). Everyone said such nice things about him. And it went on forever, one compliment after another.  It made me very sad that they were not talking about me.

Last week another friend turned 70 and he went to visit his children and grandchildren to celebrate. What a show-off.

I know the menu for my party: pizza, ice cream (that 3 flavor combination) and cupcakes (Hostess preferably). So I never outgrew my three year old stage. Got a problem with that?

The guest list is anyone who can still put up with me after all these years. The oldest friends first. Come to think of it, they are all old.

Don't call my wife. You won't find any clues from her as to where the plans may be hiding. It is hard enough for her getting through each day with me. The thought of  having to celebrate my continued existence on this planet would be beyond what anyone would have the right to expect from her.

On further thought, cancel this call. I will just have to muddle through giving subtle hints to those I encounter, like I don't want presents this year. 

In case you were wondering I turn (inaudible) on (inaudible) What are you doing that day? What do you mean, you have a headache scheduled then!