The President's To-Do List for His First Week in Office

1. Walk on Water

2. Part the Red Sea

3. Learn how to play the piano

4. Cook spaghetti

5. Binge watch all previous seasons of Homeland

6. Screw up America

7. Teach his staff how to speak perfect Mandarin

8. Go on a diet

9. Call Melania at least once

10. Invite Putin to dinner.

11. Work on his short game

12. Start and finish construction on the Wall - ahead of schedule and way under budget

13. Find a good barber in Washington

14. Order a nuclear strike

15. Go see Hamilton 

16. Rewrite the Constitution.In tweets

17. Call Barron at least once

18. Close Guantanamo. Reopen as Trump Taj Mahal Guantanamo at $1500 per day, single occupancy

19. Screw up the planet

20. Cancel his subscription to the New York Times

21. Cancel Congress by executive order

22. Try the Chinese restaurant around the corner

23. Learn to play guitar

24. Ask Chris Christie how it's going

25. Read a book

26. Buy a mansion in Jerusalem

27. Learn to play chess

28. Invite Le Pen to dinner.

29. Try on the shoes just sitting in his closet

30. Cancel the European Union by executive order

31. Binge watch the Home Alone movies

32. Stop snoring

33. Try combing his hair sideways

34. Declare war

35. Get a new toothbrush

36. Take a vacation

37. Count the number of people at his Inauguration

38. Make every Tuesday Trump day by executive order

39. Become the ninth Justice on the Supreme Court

40. Take a walk around the block

41. Move Kellyanne's office to Moscow

42. Try sushi

43. Learn how to pronounce "China"

44. Buy gold. All of it.

45. Gargle before bed

46. Buy Twitter. All of it

47. Start the Trump Television Network

48. Memorize one new word a day

49. Declare himself King by executive order

50. Resign as President

And on the seventh day, he will rest.