Announcing My Candidacy for President for 2020

I am formally announcing my decision to run for President of the United States in 2020. I have been mulling this over from January 21, as a succession of incomprehensibly bad executive orders have imperiled our nation and really pissed me off. But it is my similarities with Mr. Trump that convinced me I was qualified for the position. In no particular order these are:

1. He has insomnia. I can't sleep when I read his tweets.

2. He has small hands. Big hands are overrated, but I have a big heart.

3. He has had three wives. I have had one wife who wishes I had three.

4. He has no idea what he is doing. I have no idea what he is doing.

5. He wants to keep out Mexicans and Muslims. I want to keep out all those who want to keep out Mexicans and Muslims.

6. He owns plenty of hotels. I have stayed in plenty of hotels.

7. He owns lots of golf courses. I won't play on any of them.

8. He doesn't read books. I really like Good Night Moon.

9. He is orange. I like oranges.

10. He takes finasteride. I am living proof it doesn't always grow hair.

11. He doesn't believe in climate change. I don't believe in the tooth fairy.

12. He wants to make America great again. I want him to resign.

13. He finds the world a dark, foreboding place. I used to sleep with the hall light on when I was a child.

14. He has Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway. I don't have an answer for that one.

15. He has insulted and belittled his way to the top. I don't think we understood it was not a Don Rickles routine.

16. He has his own airplane. I live near a bunch of airports.

17. He hates the New York Times. I have visited their offices.

18. He has his new job for at least four years. I don't know if we can last that long.

19. He loves Putin. I love cherry vanilla ice cream.

20. He wants to build a wall. I have a good idea where it should be located.

21. He is intent on destroying our nation. I have seen Hamilton.

22. He changes policy to suit the moment. I have one suit in my closet.

23. He had a fling with Chris Christie. I live in New Jersey.

24. He was the star of the Apprentice. I thought season one was interesting.

25. We can't do any worse than Donald Trump. That is why I am qualified to be the next President.