Your Wait Time Will Be

 

Today I made a call and was told I was the first caller on line. 15 minutes later I was still the first caller on line. I hung up and called back 10 minutes later. I was now the eleventh caller on line. After 10 minutes, I had not moved up. I hung up. The following is how I imagine another call like mine would go on the other end of the line

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11:45 AM - You are the eleventh caller on line. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered by the next available representative. Your wait time will be approximately 12 minutes.

12 minutes later - You are the ninth caller on line. I am taking an early lunch break because I hate my job and work as few hours as I can get away with. Your wait time will be approximately 10 1/2 minutes.

10 1/2 minutes later - You are the eighth caller on line. Don't you have anything better to do with your day then wait to speak with me? I am not going to be able to help you anyway, so just realize what a colossal waste of time this is. Your wait time will be approximately 7 minutes.

7 minutes later. You are the first caller on line. Really there has been no one in front of you this entire time. I just like to play with people's heads. Your wait time will be approximately 45 seconds.

45 seconds later. You are the third caller on line. You know that adrenaline rush you got when you thought you were first on line. Just killed that buzz. If you are still interested in what I tell you the wait time will be, then you are even more gullible then I thought you were. But if you need to know, I am actually considering picking up the line as soon as I finish this beer.

After the beer is finished - Sorry, I just had to run to the bathroom unexpectedly. But I am feeling better, thanks for asking. I apologize for the unusual delay. I'm here now. Before I get to your question, there are 3 simple questions you have to answer correctly. Yankees or Mets? Alcohol or marijuana? Was there an insurrection on January 6th?

By the way, have you been following Jeopardy this season? How could they have so many who win at least five times in a row. I smell something fishy going on there. Maybe their ratings were going down the tank after Mr. Trebek passed away. But that's just me.

And I wonder what your thoughts are about dining inside these days. I try not to get into discussions of substance with just anyone but I have the sense that we are forming a special connection here.

Anyway, what did you have on your mind? Speak louder, I'm having trouble hearing you. Are you in a bad cell zone? If you lose me, you can just call back and ask for me specifically and you will jump the line. My name? Oh, sorry, I am not authorized to give out my name.

I can't answer that question without checking with my supervisor, who is out today but should be back as soon as you no longer require the answer to that question.

If I can be of any further assistance don't hesitate to call back.  Please remain on the line to answer a short customer satisfaction survey. Your favorable responses would be greatly appreciated.

Have a wonderful day, and thanks for calling "wait, wait don't tell me".