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Saturday, January 5, 2019

Ready or Not, Here I Come - The Nightmare on Second Avenue

It is Saturday morning, 3 AM, and I am unable to sleep, filled with dread. My wife has a small cold.

So what, you may ask, is the reason for the level of my concern. What could make such a seemingly innocuous issue a potentially calamitous event?




My granddaughter was born 16 weeks ago yesterday, September 14th to be exact. She is as perfect as is anyone's first grandchild, brilliant far beyond her days, with a newfound belly laugh that is as cute as anything you could ever imagine. And the time I spend with her, well, you know how the rest of the sentence reads..



My daughter went back to work shortly before Christmas. My wife and I volunteered for babysitting duties every Monday. Actually, I volunteered for seven days a week, but my daughter said that would kind of defeat the purpose of grandparent visits.


The day with our granddaughter begins about 8 AM and ends around 7 PM. There are the feedings, the changings, the naps, the playtimes, the walks in the neighborhood, weather permitting. Rinse and repeat a few times and then it is over. E-z, P-z. Two on one, that is.

My wife and I have a simple division of labor worked out. She does everything hard and I just play with the baby. It is exactly the way our marriage has gone for over 40 years. She toils endlessly and I try to do no harm.


  • As anyone understands who has either read my blog posts or been in my presence for more than 60 seconds, I am a total disaster as a functioning human being. People who know me for decades still have a difficult time believing it is not some elaborate ruse, that I really can't be as illiterate in the ways of the world as I appear. Trust me when I tell you I am not bright enough to create such an ingenious scheme. I really am that frighteningly incompetent.




Back to my wife's small cold. You see, if she does not improve in the next approximately 53 hours, come 8 AM on Monday, I may be flying solo for the day. Mano a mano (or womano to be more precise). That little, sweet bundle of joy now turned into a series of complex equations that I must solve in rapid order.



The milk must be warmed in a bottle to precisely the right temperature, like a real life version of Goldilocks. This mandates my heating up the water on the stove (if you think this is a given, think again), placing the bottle in the water, testing the same by squeezing a drop or two onto my finger (without creating a first degree burn) and then feeding that most precious child.

This means getting the bottle at the correct angle, holding it there for a prolonged period, burping my granddaughter, or attempting to, without overly annoying her or otherwise committing some egregious error of omission or commission.

If you are saying to yourself, this guy is an idiot, you are starting to catch on.



And let's assume that somehow I muddle through this undertaking without overt disaster, I next face the daunting task of changing a diaper and the clothing which will inevitably have the markings of you know what a few times over the hours of my labor. The odds of everything running smoothly on the changing table are just about the same as your winning the lottery tomorrow. Congratulations on your becoming the next billionaire. A dollar and a dream.

That trip in the stroller around the neighborhood? Forget about it. The possibilities of my getting this little person into the correct position, hooking her in and having her comfy and cozy as we meander for an hour or two in freezing temperatures are as likely as your winning the lottery on consecutive days. Two dollars and two dreams. They haven't even invented a word to describe the chances of this happening.

So now, instead of it being the best day I could imagine, watching my daughter's daughter do what she does, thinking back to when my little girl was a little girl, this endeavor suddenly shapes up to be the nightmare on Second Avenue. Hoping that the baby and I are on speaking terms at the end of the day. And praying she will not remember, when she is grown, the time she was left alone with a loving but totally helpless and hopeless grandfather.

But really, what is the worst that could happen? If she didn't eat for 11 hours she would  gain a healthy appreciation for how fortunate she was to be fed regularly. If her diaper was not changed she might learn self control and be toilet trained virtually at once. If she stayed inside all day she would understand how meaningful being out and about really was. In fact, having me babysit alone for a day could be invaluable, teaching her more lessons than she could ever learn if her grandma were there to "properly" oversee her care.

Maybe this will work out after all. Ready or not (and I am definitely not) here I come.






Tuesday, January 1, 2019

New Year's Eve in The Twilight Zone



As we walked through the door into the vestibule and took off our coats, soaked from the rain that had been steadily falling for hours, we could hear and smell that the kitchen was alive with activity.

The house lay deep in the woods, wilderness as far as we were concerned. Having traveled for miles on unlit back roads, merely a few houses, set far back from where we drove, offered but the faintest sign that there was life present here. Cell service had never appeared on these roads. It felt much more like the 19th century than the 21st as we made our way to our destination.

The fog had mocked us, darting in and out, treating the brights on our car as more hindrance than guide. There was a terrible loneliness driving to our friends for New Year's Eve. Deserted roads, no moon to serve as reassurance, a feeling that if you lost your way here, it could be a very long time before you would be noticed or retrieved. 

The first New Year's Eve we made this journey, four years ago, had been the worst. Our friends had moved into their new home only several months before. And though we had visited on a few occasions, I could not recall ever having done so at night. There was nothing familiar on this journey, no sense that I would have known there was a sharp turn just around the bend. My mind was of no assistance. I drove mentally completely blind..

And that first night the fog clung to these roads with a grip so tight it seemed it could never be broken. No stretch where it disappeared or even dissipated. Just a constant unwanted companion making it nearly impossible to navigate. My wife and I had repeated thoughts of turning back, trying to extricate ourselves from the abyss. We spoke of nothing but where the road next seemed to head. Only a foot or two of sight and then the world evaporated. We could call no one, as alone and isolated as the imagination could suggest.

But being supremely stupid and not wanting to disappoint, we did not turn back. Our trek went on, seemingly for hours. And then, as if it were surreal, we came upon the dirt road, meandering up and then down a deeply pitted surface that led us eventually, finally to the foot of the long, circuitous driveway which delivered us to the residence at the top of the hill. 

Tonight, as I hung our coats and walked but a few steps to the next level, I could see that the hor d'oeuvres were prepared and sitting on the long wooden island in the kitchen. For the two other couples with whom we shared this night every year, food was a central, essential part of their experience. One of our friends, a guest in the house, was in charge of the main course, as he was the last day of each December. He was in his element in the kitchen, his most natural habitat and was supremely busy. He was preparing a bouillabaisse, shrimp, clams, cod, mussels, scallops and other assorted formerly living creatures all joining forces in a broth in a celebration worthy of welcoming the end of a frightening 2018.

I took my seat on the wooden bench and table, the glasses of water filled, the salad in the large bowl, the bread neatly cut into small pieces perfectly sized to sop up the leftover base after the bowl containing the seafood extravaganza had been fully dispensed. The champagne was poured and the serious eating commenced.

All the while, the rain outside kept up it's relentless drumbeat. It seemed like this particular day, in this particular spot, was destined to repeat the doom and gloom forever, on endless loop, an event trapped in perpetuity. Lost in a kind of time warp. New Year's Eve in a house connected to nowhere.

When dinner was concluded, each of us surrendering after the pecan and apple pies had been sampled, the table was cleared. And the other annual tradition took center stage.The Twilight Zone marathon commenced.

Rod Serling was a genius, able to twist reality into a frightening possibility of horrors. My friend, the chef, had once met Mr. Serling almost a half century past. And had coaxed him into giving a promo for my friend's radio show using a Twilight Zone like introduction. Some kind of cosmic connection between these two equally strange, equally fascinating souls.

This evening began with an episode starring a very young William Shatner. It seemed that Mr. Shatner had suffered a nervous breakdown on a plane some six months earlier. Now, he was heading home on another flight, unsteady in his recovery, but with his wife by his side. My friend said we were watching the most famous of all of the episodes. I felt a sense of foreboding from the opening moments, knowing that when you enter the Twilight Zone, something terrifying is not even a full breath away. As Mr. Shatner opened the curtain next to his window seat, to survey the raging storm outside, I understood this was not going to end well.

While we three men settled in, our wives headed to a smaller den, uninterested in spending yet another New Year's Eve with Mr. Serling. Instead, they decided on what some might consider his worthy successor, the Coen brothers. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, a bizarre series of tales, pieced together as a movie, was their selection. Almost as counterpoint to what was happening in the other room. The Twilight Zone abandoned for a world into which one entered with virtually equal trepidation.

After Mr. Shatner was taken away, by gurney, to another institution, our host silently left the room. And did not return, having apparently fled into the waiting arms of the Coen brothers. One down, and but two little Indians remained.

Soon Burgess Meredith appeared on our screen. This, my Serling aficionado advised, was actually a more famous episode than the one we just finished. It involved a very, very near sighted Mr. Meredith, an obsession with reading and a final scene, if I recall, with the central character alone in the universe, surrounded by books, his glasses somehow shattered, his ability to do the one thing he lived for, now forever gone. 

I say "if I recall" because I had seen this show in New Year's Eves past, and I thus decided to join my host and our wives with the Coens. But not before my friend said "Where do you think you are going? Don't you try to escape The Twilight Zone. Once you are in, you can never leave."

Not heeding this warning, I removed myself to the strange land inhabited by Buster Scruggs, a Wild West gunslinger who sang and danced as he killed seemingly every evil creature in his path. And who ended up gunned down and winging towards heaven while crooning a duet with his own killer. This was followed by an equally wild, Wild West story in which an inept bank robber avoids one hangman's noose only to stumble into the next one. The house was now fully and completely inhabited by dueling insanities, one television broadcasting a universe of horror seemingly matched only by what was transpiring on the other screen. We were deeply and irrevocably residing in a place where nothing, absolutely nothing, was as it first appeared.

The rain came down in torrents for a while, pounding on the outside of the house, causing us to raise the volume on the television merely to hear over the attack occurring on the roof. After finishing the second of the Coen brothers pieces, the deluge seemed to lessen. Even though it was but 10:30, my wife and I decided that the best course of action was to make an immediate exit. And so, before the next installment of Buster Scruggs drew us in, and without my heading back to Mr. Serling, we bid an early farewell to our friends and to 2018.  My Twilight Zone companion, left alone to his viewing and his thoughts for some time, gave me a half wave, transfixed and clearly residing in an alternate universe. It was as if I was almost not visible to him, not there at all.

Once outside, both my wife and I were suddenly aware of just how dark was the world we were now entering. Even with the lights from the house, it was hard to make our way down the driveway, the possibility of disaster evident even in the first few seconds. But the rain was lessening, the fog had not descended and we slowly began to retrace our steps back home. Since we started this trek at an odd hour, at least for this evening, the road was empty. As in no signs of another vehicle behind us or coming towards us. For miles. It was as if we had entered our own planet, separated somehow from the rest of humanity. A parallel universe.. We were its sole occupants.

I knew I was travelling ahead, but my rate of speed was far less than what my mind was suggesting. And as the minutes passed, the worst of the weather seemed to be inching ever closer, ever closer. Until, in what seemed but an instant, the world around us was no more. I could not see beyond the front windshield. The wind had increased, the rain meeting us with great intensity. And the blanket of fog was all that my wife and I could decipher. The road, and everything else we thought we knew was suddenly no more.

Panic immediately set in as we had no concept of left or right, behind or ahead. We sat there, the car and us absolutely motionless. The only evidence of existence the storm which pelted down mercilessly. There were no phones, no lights, no hint of anything beyond this. We have all been in situations that seemed almost an impossibility, as if they did not fit either into time or space as we have defined it. But this was worse than the worst of all dreams, the mother of all nightmares. This could not be happening for it had none of the signposts of reality. 

And then, as quickly as it began, it receded. The storm's intensity waned, the fog began to dissipate, still enshrouding us, but not truly enveloping and devouring us. It's grip loosened, we were now able to survey our whereabouts. Or as much as is possible on an unlit road in the middle of nowhere. And it was clear we were now lost, on a stretch of terrain even more unfamiliar to us than any we had encountered before. Somehow, in the midst of all that had frightened us so, we had been thrown off course.

Where to head was a question without answer. But, then we noticed a faint light, piercing through the fog, seeming to beckon us onward. And, almost by it's sheer force, we moved in that direction, hesitating but still progressing. The road we were on appeared to be a relatively straight two lanes, surrounded on both sides by nothing but a dense forest that cast only darkness in response to our gaze. There was something strange in the light as we approached. It appeared to be from another car, but it was not moving towards us. It was as still as the air which now was as dead and stagnant as the deepest tomb.

And one other thing that seemed not to fit the moment. The light was not cast on the road, but almost exclusively into the woods. If this was a vehicle we were approaching, it was not aimed at the road.

Ever so cautiously we began our approach. 200 yards, 150, 100 and then no more than 50. It was a car, and it was on its side. It had gone off the road and there was no sign of movement from inside. One additional item was more than worthy of attention. It appeared to be the same make, model and color as our car. And, as far as we could determine, the same year. 

At about 20 yards away, my wife and I exited our car and I began to shout "Is anybody there? Are you ok? Is anybody there?" Silence greeted the night air in reply.

"Be careful", my wife said, "I do not like what is happening. Be careful."

Only 5 yards from the car I stopped, frozen. I then frantically waved for my wife to come near. She approached, and I pointed to the front license plate, now visible to both of us. "That's our car's license", I whispered, fully without capacity to comprehend the reality of what that meant. My wife was unable to move, unable to speak, and she dropped to her knees, screaming but no noise could be heard.

I forced myself to walk up to the car and peered in. There, lying motionless, were myself and my wife.

Once you enter the Twilight Zone there is no escape.

Friday, December 28, 2018

New Year's Eve in the Fast Lane



Unless they move the start of New Year's to about 10 PM there is virtually no possibility that I will be awake to celebrate the first moments of 2019. Honestly, I don't drink champagne, haven't been a hard partier since, well truth be known, maybe never and, being an official senior citizen for a while now, have a license to go to sleep anytime after dinner is served.

For the past several years I have spent the early evening of December 31st bowling. More than half a century ago I was in a bowling league at Feibel's in my hometown. Three games and bowling shoes for $1. My cousin Larry and I also bowled every Sunday after Hebrew school. Our reward for not having a fake stomach ache Sunday mornings.

I once bowled 257, but now, a half century later, it would take a bigger miracle than God parting the Red Sea for Moses for me to break 200. My ball travels down the alley so slowly I fear it will bounce off the pins and head back to me in mocking display. My back is tight, my shoulder hurts if I lift my arm too high and this year my twisted knee is added to the laundry list of excuses. One game is about my limit, although maybe I can be coaxed into a second.

The real star of our annual gathering is the son of one of the three families of friends who share this night. He is in his late 20's and has a love for this undertaking that I did not, even on those Sundays after Hebrew school. He bowls every Monday evening and, I think, may have broken 200 on one occasion. And, oh by the way, he is autistic. 

The tradition we started, mainly to accommodate our young companion's passion for this sport, has become just about the most fun way I could imagine to cast off the old and welcome the new. About as far away from tweets as one can escape in today's universe. Worried only whether I can throw anything heavier than a 10 pound ball, walking from lane to lane to see if my fingers properly fit into anything light enough for me to roll at an agonizingly slow pace towards the pins that seem to be gathered together laughing at my feeble efforts.

I think Feibel's burned down decades ago. I do not recall what eventually was constructed on this site, but I am certain it was not another ðŸŽ³.

Our present bowling establishment is now on the market for four million dollars. At that price, I think we will still be coming here next year.

Many, many summers ago our family was on vacation. It was a rainy afternoon and we spent most of it at a local alley. I did so well that, as we finished, one of the people working there asked if I lived in the area and wanted to join their league. Trust me when I tell you that will not happen this year.

So I will begin another New Year's Eve preening at the occasional strike, agonizing when I miss a spare by an infinitessmally small margin, commenting how expensive this undertaking has become and remembering my past glories at Feibel's. 

I am especially excited this year because I heard there is a new place to eat at the alley that is supposed to have decent food. I wonder if their fries can compare with Feibel's. For, as far as I am concerned, there is nothing more satisfying then eating greasy French fries with dirty fingers while in the middle of a particularly mediocre game of bowling. 

Now that would make for an absolutely perfect New Year's Eve.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Dewey Beats Truman, Part Two

("U.S. Stocks Tumble, Riding the Roller Coaster Back Down")

So the Dow just closed UP 258 points today.

Trying to analyze the why's and wherefore's of the stock market arrhythmia is like trying to catch the wind in your hand. It is an impossibility.

Did the "warning signs" about the economy that caused the Dow to drop more than 500 points by lunch suddenly disappear in the afternoon?

Your headline looks like a Dewey beats Truman moment. My suggestion is that your paper (indeed any publication) refrain from mid-day proclamations regarding the health of a product that seems to provide perfect definition to the word volatile.

PS - Your headline, as of 4:30 PM, now reads : "Stocks Rise, as Wall Street's Roller Coaster Stages Late Day Rally"

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Promises Not to Keep - My New Year's Non-Resolution

You say you want a resolution. Well-ell you know we all want to change the world.

I don't have any New Year's resolutions this time around. Not that I don't need a barrel full, as I am a poster child of imperfections:


1) being of little to no assistance to my beleaguered wife in even the most basic of life's responsibilities



2)  doing almost nothing to take care of my aging and breaking down body


3) spending far, far too much of my day staring at my cell phone hoping my latest blog post will somehow capture the attention of more than a handful of the very bored, or begging the stock market to inform me it is quite ok to retire now

4) despite my best intentions to devote myself with as much energy as possible to lessening the plight of those whose lives have taken a decidedly hard turn, doing little more than spending as much energy as possible advising everyone I intend to devote myself with as much energy as possible to assisting those whose lives have taken a decidedly hard turn

5) grousing endlessly about the deplorable state of our political union,  announcing my distaste with the President and his party and then taking absolutely no steps to change anything

I hardly read books, I do not listen well enough to what others are saying, I basically just spend my days in an endless daze.

So why you may ask (if you managed to read this far) would I not at least focus on one of these deficiencies and resolve to make a change for the better?  

Because of all my shortcomings, the worst is my laziness. Why do today what you can talk about doing tomorrow? And while Shakespeare might speak of our tomorrows creeping at a petty pace, my resolve is far slower than that. In fact it is non-existent.

So why waste the energy this year promising to do what I have not done before, or worse, making a feeble effort to do what I said I would do and then failing miserably to follow through? It is that failure which is the real issue, the disappointment in myself for not meeting my self stated expectations, the true quicksand of my life.

And so, if I have no goals for the coming year, then I will not fall short, I will not have that gnawing pain eating at me. I will be at peace. 


So my wish for all of you this year is that you do not make the same mistake I have in the past. That you come to the same inevitable conclusion as I have. That you free up your tomorrow's to do all the wrong things that you are going to do anyway, only now insulated from the promises you knew deep in your heart you would never maintain.

I have now decided I have a resolution this year after all. To spread the gospel of the non-resolution. But I fear I am far too lazy to do even that. So just forget that promise. I could never keep it.

You say you'll change my constitution.
Well-ell you know, you better free your mind instead.


Monday, December 24, 2018

Donald Trump, You're Fired



At the conclusion of each episode of The Apprentice, Donald Trump would appear as the hand of God, the Deus ex Machina, to pronounce sentence on the losers. "You're fired" was a statement of ultimate control and unassailable power which, in many ways, acted as the principal catalyst for Mr. Trump's presidency.

James Mattis did the unthinkable, humiliating the President with his letter of resignation, castigating him for his pronounced deficiencies and total misunderstanding of the appropriate role of America and it's military forces. For Donald Trump, he of remarkably fragile ego and paper thin skin, this was the most unforgivable of all sins. And so, Mr. Mattis has now been let go even after he has quit.

Mr. President, no matter how you attempt to reshape the landscape, you have been the one summarily dismissed, a spectacular five starred failure as the apprentice to Mr. Mattis. 

Donald Trump, you're fired.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

Twas the Night Before Christmas - All Was Silent in Our House


Twas the night before Christmas and the House was shut down
Thanks to the tweets of one orange faced clown
Must have my wall need five billion now
Just get it for me, I don't really care how

So he rants and he pouts and throws quite a fit
While we sit and we sit and then we just sit
A nation in limbo as Christmas time nears
Not a nation in peace but a land filled with fears

On this holiday Santa's not in the skies
He's replaced by an ogre and his orange faced lies
While those in the House have gone to their homes
All remains silent in the Capitol Dome

So Santa and Rudolph and all the reindeer
Are saddened and quietly shed a few tears
The chimneys are still, the stockings all bare
But the orange faced man he just doesn't care

In our nation's capital at this festive time
There now is occurring a terrible crime
The man who stole Christmas is ruling the land
With a terrible, awful, very bad hand

But if Santa exists then here is our wish
Please serve it at dinner as our favorite
dish
Build Donald that wall as tall as you can
As long as it keeps out one orange faced man


Friday, December 21, 2018

Twas the Night Before Christmas in Donald's House


Twas the night before Christmas, all snug in their beds,
'Cept a creature in DC, with a strange orange head
His fingers were moving, the tweets coming fast
Recounting the names of those from his past
Gone Ayers and Zinke, from A right through Z
Gone Comey and Cohn, who start with a C
So long Sessions and Spicer, those two with an S
And Scaramucci, as bad as the rest
Bye Bannon, adieu Pruitt, au revoir to Hicks
No more Kelly or Priebus, of whom he'd grown sick
And Powell, Price and Porter, some more with a P
McGahn and McMaster, those two with Mc
Tillerson and Flynn, both now cast asunder
Last not least, Mattis, departed with thunder
These but a few of the many now gone
The bad list of Donald goes on and on
And this Christmas eve, no screams in their ears
Just the sweet sound of silence, no Donald near
They all will give thanks he is nowhere in sight
But a nightmarish dream, just one ugly night

For those now arriving to take their new seat
Just remember tomorrow you'll be taking some heat
So this night before Christmas, sleep tight in your bed
But you'll wake in the morn to a tweet in your head

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

A Crumbling Foundation

("Trump Foundation to Dissolve, Accused of 'Shocking Pattern of Illegality")


It is not as if the problem is one of blurred lines with Mr. Trump. It is that the lines are non existent.

When it is all about him when the benefit must flow directly to him, everything that Mr. Trump touches and that touches him is directed by his own predispositions and predilections.

Campaign finance laws, charitable foundation mandates, conflicts of interest, all these are rules which do not apply when the universe begins and ends with one very flawed human being.

Donald Trump has lived his existence reshaping the landscape to fit his vision, refusing to adhere to the dictates of a structured and regulated society. In his personal life and business practices, he has been dedicated to the sole proposition that what is good for him is good enough.

Only, under scrutiny, it is not. And scattered in his wake are broken promises, broken laws and broken lives. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Staring At My Cardboard Box - Home(less) for the Holidays

There's a darkness that covers my heart
That suffocates and strangles me 
That blinds me to the light
And tells me that I can't be what I can be

Sitting on the corner of here and nowhere
Staring at my cardboard box
Trying to catch a glimmer of a dream
Each day another blow in a life of hard knocks

There's a shadow that won't let me be
A ghost that grabs at each breath
And yet hope still resides in my soul
Telling me I'm not done yet

As I look out on the blank stares
The empty eyes blocking the sun
I refuse to lay here and disappear
For I know there are races to be run

It seems I have spent my whole life
   With a song that I never could share
   I can't remember a day
   Where I was ever really somewhere
   
   Where I was really somewhere
   Where the trees were ever in bloom
   Where there was somewhere to go
   Except here in my cardboard room

  Where the darkness did not cover my heart
  Where pain did not rest in my soul
  Where I was more than this
  Where I believed that I was whole

  There's a shadow that won't let me be
  A ghost that grabs at each breath
  And yet hope still resides in my soul
  Telling me I'm not done yet

  I know I'm not done yet